The choice wasn’t easy because there is no blindingly obvious reason to shut it down. The company was making money, it had a great set of clients that trusted us to do our best and most of the people we interacted with from media, to MDs to each other were lovely, interesting and fun.

But…

It’s time to do new things, find new rocks to turn over and inspect, kick new tyres and run screaming from new imaginary monsters. Basically, it’s time for a new playground.

I thought deciding would be the most difficult bit – but no.

There is almost no information on how to close a business, you see. There are lots of tips and how-to guides and downloadable PDFs on starting a business, but almost nothing on what to do when you just don’t want it any more.

It would be nice to be guided by others who have been down this path but the only information I could find on closing down was on liquidation. Which, to be honest, is easy to do. Two pieces of paper, R10,000 to a liquidator, and there you go. Done. The impact is long term, obviously, but the act itself could be over in half an hour.

Elegant exits take more time – think at least four months – and more awareness – think lots of therapy – than I expected.

Each conversation, whether with a client, an employee or a supplier, or even random chats with strangers in aeroplane lounges, reveals something unexpected. It seems that in making this choice I have thrown a spotlight on their experiences, and obviously that makes me the perfect person to speak to.

I am having conversations about burnout, feeling trapped and the need to succeed against all odds, regardless of the personal cost. I must face the confusion of those with energy to spare and vision aplenty, and occasional offers from those who feel sure they can help – can turn it around – can counterbalance my shortcomings as a business owner.

The most difficult reaction to deal with is the absolute disbelief from those who have just started out on their own venture and can’t imagine NOT wanting it. For them, it’s clear – I just wasn’t cut out to do it.

In my less forgiving moments I wish those people an unpaid VAT return or a bad hiring decision that costs more in money and time that SARS could ever. But actually I don’t wish those things on anyone. Running a business is hard enough without them.

As far as I can see, most of the problem is that starting a business is the only time we get ourselves into something without any idea of how to get out. Even marriage, one of the more optimistic things our species does, often has a prenuptial contract that outlines the process of leaving and requires some thought into the commercial structure of the union and possible separation.

I was like a young bride who thought things would stay exactly the same forever and ever, amen. I was clearly pretty buoyant in 2003 when Sentient started, but I was really optimistic in 2007. I must have secretly thought Sentient would be around as long as Ford, because that was the year I got into all the long-term contracts that are proving so hard to get out of. Damn my naïveté.

It feels like a fitting end for the agency, though. As its name suggests, Sentient has always brought people to awareness – whether they liked it or not – and it is handing me my final lesson in dignity.

I hope the next few months will see me learn that lesson and execute it well. This agency and those who have worked in it and with it deserve that much.

For those who would like a bit more detail:

1. Sentient’s last day of trading as an agency will be 30 November 2011.
2. From December 2011, Sentient will be a billing engine for me as I freelance, consult and generally work out what I want to be. (This morning I settled on fireman, but I think that might be a regressive and fleeting fantasy.)
3. Most staff members have successfully and happily embraced their future – it’s just Roger and I who are still in the head-scratching phase of planning.
4. All our clients are engaged in sourcing new agencies. We made recommendations and are currently supporting the process.
5. The farewell party – which is open to anyone who wants to attend – is happening on Friday 25 November 2011. Please email me on sarah@sentientcommunications.co.za to get the final details. I hope to see many of you there.

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